i love both you and the german language way too much
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Donnerstag, Juli 27, 2006
I am sad and Babar is just myself made into an object over against myself (thank you tillich, bagger) and what I need is NOT myself but you who are not here.
saaaad sad this will be better soon, but it is not better yet.
9:23 PM
Mittwoch, Juli 26, 2006
So I just looked up the formula for determining one's bra size, measured myself, and did the calculations.
The size I come up with is 38 A.
I guess I am never to get an official answer about this.
2:55 PM
Montag, Juli 17, 2006
Ben was here and we talked aobut the intense vanity of reading other people's blogs in the hope of seeing our own names.
That was of course not all that happened; it was just the most...sardonic?...thing I could say about the visit. There was also phosphorescent (i hate letters) algae and dhal and several conversations and other sorts of interaction.
We talked about trains. And independence. Something other than my fingers hurt his eye.
It was Good. (not the eye hurting. just the overall ben-thing)
The cooking thing is going relatively well. I will never suddenly and completely become "fixed" in the ways I want to be, but I continue hoping for gradual progress and I think I may be seeing some.
My parts of the house are a HORRENDOUS mess and I must clean them, but however much I may claim to want to, I don't, so it hasn't been getting done. Tomorrow I start working at KC again, thankfully after store hours, just rearranging yarn for the winter.
Trying to pick classes, listen for my Calling, etc..
Risk-taking, experimentation, deciding to do things when we are unsure about it vs. when we know we want to, classes I want to take before I get out of Brown, tea, inertia, goals, credit scores, refrigerator space, swing dancing, clutter, being serious with/about myself as an autodidact.
I keep thinking ultra-fondly about Brown people. Will be happy to see them.
My mom gets really weird around Ben. Also, her body has been doing things that seem only understnadable int the context of her getting old. Terror.
sleep now.
12:08 AM
Dienstag, Juli 11, 2006
Quo Vadis/Tricia/Greyhound trip was perfect. I feel wonderful.
I actually started to realize this a few weeks ago, but it's troubling me now: I resent my parents for not understanding/believing in unschooling.
At Quo Vadis I realized that I was no longer interested in mourning the time I spent in school or being bitter about the childhood I didn't have, that I'm ready to and need to look to the future and liberate my right now self...but I haven't gotten over mom and dad. It bothers me so much more from them than from all the other people who couldn't support me when I was dropping out of school and who've since written me off as a special case to avoid actually having to deal with whether they aggree with any of the things I feel...with all of my friends, I facillitated that, because I just wanted to keep things normal and not upset anyone or shake anything up. Maybe it would've worked out if I'd tried harder to win converts or at least sympathizers...I don't know.
But my parents...I earnestly tried with them. And they were my first attempt, and I felt so good until I talked to them and then I felt so bad. And nothing that's happened since then has had any affect on them (why should it have? I never got too far into unschooling before Daddy pressured me back into college). And they'd always been so on my side against the schools, always aggreed when I complained, always seemed to respect me as a competent, independent human being from when I was very young...and any time I think to hard about it now, I feel like some of the things I believed about our relationship just aren't true, and never were. I feel like all of my interactions with them are stepped back a level to keep peace and amiability and keep everyone basically happy, because if we were to interact as our complete honest selves they would contradict each other and explode.
And it's not just daddy, either. Being close to my mother has been really important to me...but at the base of it, isn't she just better at keeping quiet and allowing me to think she believes in me than daddy is?
My parents are so cynical/pessimistic. Like me. But when I try not to be, I run up against a wall of them. I took a workshop at Quo Vadis about getting other people on board with ideas and plans that are important to you, and I was thinking about the ways I sabotage myself when I tell other people about things that are inspiring and meaningful to me, the way I criticize them and artificially lower my expectations of their success. I think I learned to do that as a defense against getting shot down by mommy and daddy. Other people do it too, of course but....
Maybe I'm just placing blame on the easiest place to put it. It still makes me sad. I just wish they would affirm the parts of me that I think are most important and praiseworthy, rather than whatever they do affirm...my talents and what they see as my personal strengths.
Also, daddy was doing the running thing again last night. He will never learn. It would be funny if it didn't make me feel so terrible. I will run today, because I'm not going to be an adolescent any more and I'm not going to let my father's insensitivity ruin something that I otherwise enjoy, but honestly the thought of running isn't bringing me the kind of excitement and joy I was feeling about it before I talked to him.
That said, I've been feeling wonderful and optimistic and motivated. Obviously not right now. The whole, my-parents-don't-affirm-me-for-who-I-am thing is a downer. But in general. I am going to learn to cook for myself, and I am going to make grand plans for next semester and start thinking about coming years and financial and physical independence and doing things that make me and other people supremely happy in our lives. And I am going to make money. And dance all the time. The feeling I had on the bus from new york to bridgeport was priceless. That was a good trip. God bring everyone on the Greyhound bus happily home.
9:37 AM
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